Defining Polyamory

Ask polyamorous people to define polyamory and you are likely to get a distinctly different definition from each of them. That's because we're generally a diverse and open minded group of people, so why would we conform to any standards? We all have our own perspective, or view of what polyamory is, based on our personal desires and individual situations. Many of us are in dynamic relationships, the factors constantly changing; especially as we make mistakes and learn, growing in our experiences, discovering more and more about what we truly desire in our partners.

So what is polyamory, exactly? I define it as the ability to love multiple people. Anybody can have sex with multiple people and we have plenty of terms for that: polyfuckery, playing the field, swinging, etc. Many polyamorous people are also swingers or into casual sex. However, to be truly polyamorous, you have to be desirous and capable of having multiple loving relationships. Poly = multi. Amour = love.

I am polyamorous. I've been this way for much longer than I knew the term that defined me. I adore love; everything about it, in fact. I love falling in love: the feelings stirring within my breast, the butterflies in my stomach, the shivers that run up my spine with every touch, and that oh so wonderful first kiss. I love being in love: lying in my lover's arms, cuddling together, talking late into the night, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. Why oh why, would I ever want this to only happen once in my lifetime? Or to have to wait for the tragic end of a relationship to discover love all over again with someone new?

No! I want to fall in love whenever I can; have love in my life at all times. How often are we blessed to find someone that moves us in the way that we need, that we crave, and madly desire? Why limit ourselves to only one? I love my husband; he is my rock, my heart and we will be together as partners, raising our daughter, managing our home, and living our lives. We do not, however, fulfill each other's every need and desire, nor do we expect that of each other.

No one person can be everything for another. The expectation of such puts entirely too much pressure on someone and they will inevitably fail in the effort, if they even endeavor to try in the first place. Polyamory allows us to find what we need in multiple relationships. Sometimes it's not even different things, but more of the same. More attention, more love, more intimacy than one person can give you. Sometimes it's just the pure delight of spending time with someone that you don't talk to about bills and the kids.

I love the security and stability of waking up next to my adorable husband everyday, hearing the pitter pat of my daughter's feet running down the hallway. I'm equally in love with the laziness of waking up next to my lovely boyfriend on occasion, knowing I've got no responsibilities for the morning; can simply indulge in the comfort of his arms and getting covered in kisses. And still, there is my beautiful girlfriend; we giggle together, hold hands and talk late into the night...mostly about the boys in our lives, but we don't hesitate to kiss and cuddle while we do so, taking comfort in each other's embrace.

Do I prefer one over the others? At times, of course I do. Sometimes the stresses that come with everyday life make me want to escape and pretend that I'm no one's wife and mother, and being out on the town with someone other than my husband allows me to do just that. At other times, I love nothing more than to wrap myself in my little family, baking cookies with my daughter playing at my feet, or reading in bed next to my husband. At the moment, my boyfriend is who I daydream about...

The point is, polyamory allows me to be exactly who I want to be, by giving me the ability to live out all of my desires in multiple relationships. My heart is constantly open to love, only limited by time and desire. I have a husband, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. I am a wife, mother, lover, mistress, girlfriend, partner, and sex kitten. I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am polyamorous.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org

Poly Didn't Kill the Cat!

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been part of an open marriage for a long time. My marriage recently ended and I feel embarrassed because it ended. I mostly feel embarrassed because I don't want people to think I don't believe in the poly idea or the open marriage. The real problem is around people who know I'm poly but aren't. How can I explain to them that it wasn't the poly that killed the cat?
– Bent but Not Broken in Bothell

Dear Not Broken,

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of divorced couples quadrupled between 1970 and 1996. Chances are good that many of your non-poly friends are either divorced or will be soon. Chances are also good that if they are your friends, they're going to be sympathetic and supportive regardless of your relationship style; that would define a true friend in my book.

If they're not friends, exactly, then let me ask you some questions in return. Do you really care why they think your relationship ended? Are these people who have given you reason to defend Polyamory already? And, if so, do you think anything you say is going to convince them otherwise?

I'm guessing that you are suffering from a barrage of emotions at the moment, following the demise of your marriage and primary relationship. Embarrassment is perfectly normal; along with sadness, anger, loneliness, regret and a whole host of related feelings.

However, please remember this: relationships end all the time, every day, every hour, and every minute. And they end for every reason you could ever think of. Whether or not your relationship style was the reason is unimportant (and it shouldn't be to anyone else, either!). What you decide to do now with your new found freedom is. Much love and luck in your journey!

Dear Elizabeth,

My husband and I have a poly relationship; he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. We also have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I really want to be open and honest with them as it becomes appropriate for them to learn that Mommy's and Daddy's "friends" are really something more. My 5-year-old is pretty savvy and already asking questions regarding who Daddy and I love, and if it's okay to have boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.

However, our biggest challenge is that they're little blabbermouths and we most definitely don't want our vanilla friends and associates to have even the vaguest hint that we're not like every other supposedly monogamous couple they know.
–Monique from Mars

Dear Monique,

When my daughter gets to be your daughter's age, I'm fairly certain all of our family and vanilla friends are going to be well aware of our situation and we are prepared for that. Our general stance is to not go out of our way to tell everyone, but definitely answer questions honestly.

Seriously, it's going to be difficult to keep your daughter from sharing. She's smart enough to know what's going on but not mature enough to understand why it might need to be kept quiet...and may end up seriously confused as to why you are unhappy when she tells someone else about it. Polyrelationships are hard enough for adults to understand and manage!

It might not be a bad idea to prepare for some very uncomfortable questions from friends and family...and just plan to come fully out into the open. I think the only other alternative is to keep your partners completely separate from your children...but, do you really want to do that?

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.

Girlfriend Causes Sleepless Nights

Dear Elizabeth,

When my husband has his girlfriend over for the night, I sleep in another room to give them privacy. However, even when I do not hear the noises from their lovemaking, I find myself lying awake, wondering what is happening in there. As a result, I don't get much sleep when she's over. What should I do?
--Sleepless in West Seattle

Dear Sleepless,

Why are you wondering what is happening in there? Do you want to be involved? Would you like to watch? These are valid desires, and perhaps you should talk to your husband about them. On the other hand, if her being there with him is just a distraction that interferes with your sleep pattern, there are a number of solutions. One might be to have him stay over at her place instead, if feasible. You might also consider allowing yourself to keep the main bed and send them to the extra bedroom. Getting a good night's sleep out of your normal comfort zone can be a challenge for anyone. The most important thing is to discuss this with your husband and come up with a solution that works for you both.

Dear Elizabeth,

My wife only climaxes when our girlfriend goes down on her. Before we met our girlfriend, I had no problem bringing my wife to orgasm...but now, it doesn't matter what I do; only our girlfriend can make her cum. I don't want to admit to her how inadequate this is making me feel; but it's starting to affect my performance in other ways, too.
--Inadequate in Issaquah

Dear Issaquah (I refuse to call you "Inadequate"),

We all go through phases where different things do it for us. It seems that at the moment, your girlfriend is managing to please your wife exceptionally well. Isn't this wonderful? But then, I can understand your frustration. I had a boyfriend that didn't climax...ever. At first, it was amazing...hours upon hours of sex, orgasm after orgasm (mine) and still he didn't have need to stop. But after awhile, hell, it was just annoying. I wanted to feel the satisfaction of making him lose control...and I finally told him so. He confided in me the one thing that did cause him to climax...and thus, I found the key to making us both happy.

Get down with your girlfriend between your wife's legs and find out what she's doing that drives her so crazy. And then practice, with the both of them coaching you. Don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen at first...there's a chance that it's actually just the thrill of your girlfriend being involved that is rubbing your wife the right way...and that's likely to wear off before too long.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org