And Now We Are V

Dear Elizabeth,

I would love some advice right about now. I have been dating a gentleman about a year. Neither of us has ever wanted to force the other to be monogamous, and we have dated others; but the basis of our relationship has been between the two of us. A few months ago, a woman from his past returned and a few dates turned into a Poly relationship. She and I are getting to know each other and figuring out how to make this work; at this point we are a V relationship. I will be honest; I am having my moments understanding and wanting to make this work. The dynamics of the relationship have changed and I feel lost and confused as to my place in this relationship now. I feel like I am in a shared custody arrangement and it is stifling.

Your insight and advice would be greatly appreciated.

-M

Dear M,

I applaud your continuing efforts to make this work, regardless of the difficulties it is causing you. You are a wonderful partner and this gentleman is lucky to have such an open and loving woman in his life. There is no mistake that you are the one who is sacrificing, in order for him to spend some time with his new girlfriend. To give him the ability to love two women in his life, both as full time as he can make them, is one of the best gifts you can give him in your relationship. It is the gift of freedom, trust, understanding, and wanting him to have even more love in his life.

However, it is important that you continue to keep communication open with him and his other partner, in order to establish your schedules and ensure that you have the minimum time with him and do not feel neglected. You have needs that need to be met in your relationship, as does he and the new girlfriend, and if you all work together, it can work out beautifully. It can feel very restrictive at first, especially if you’ve never really had to schedule your time with him before…but, if you can look forward to three nights a week, or whatever, on your calendar, and know those nights belong to you and him, it should make things easier.

So set aside some time, at least once a month, where the three of you can look at your calendars together. Plan important dates and events, and then divide up the rest of the time. Be sure to leave your partner with at least one night a week to himself, as we all need some personal time. Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, as long as you make it clear that you are willing to compromise if it doesn’t work. If you don’t say what you want out loud, how will anyone know?

It will get easier. Just give it time, treasure the dates you spend with your partner, and perhaps look at developing a friendship with his other girlfriend (if you are both open to it). If you are lucky, your life will be enriched with a new friend that shares something very important in common with you: the love of your partner.

On another note, I’d like to thank you, M, for handling this as well as you are and working at your relationship. I’ve been the new girlfriend in similar situations, and I have yet to be in a relationship where the other partner was able to embrace a second love in their boyfriend/husband’s life, regardless of their open lifestyle. I encourage my husband to find girlfriends and love to welcome them into our home and life, but I realize that it is difficult for many women to do this easily, if at all. So, it makes me very happy to hear from readers like you who are willing to try. M, I raise my mocha to you!

Please send questions or comments to polypositivity@gmail.com.

Mono vs. Poly: Round 1

It’s not easy being Poly. It takes a lot of time, energy, love, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, and communication to make one relationship work. Adding another partner or more requires substantial quantities of the above qualities, along with multitasking, scheduling, organization, and serious dedication to making your relationships successful. And that’s not all. Unless you keep your relationship status secret, you are probably often in the position of having to explain yourself, along with the basics of polyamory.

Polyamory is easily misunderstood and frequently confused with Polygamy, the marriage of more than two people. According to Prof. Brian E. Schwimmer, from the University of Manitoba, polygamy is normatively approved in 77% of known societies. However, about 20% of known societies are strictly Monogamous (the marriage of one man to one woman). The US is one of them. In fact, it’s illegal to have more than one spouse, and, at the moment, that spouse must be of the opposite sex.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is not necessarily illegal. But discrimination against polyamory is not defended by the ACLU. If you are a woman, have a picture of your girlfriend on your desk at work, and get harassed as a result, you can sue for discrimination as a homosexual. However, if the same woman has a picture of her husband and her boyfriend on her desk, she can be fired for immorality, and have no recourse.

At first glance, a monogamously minded person may not be able to look past the fact that polyamory usually means sex with multiple partners. In most monogamous relationships, this would be cheating. Even more sex positive couples that take part in play parties and/or swinging (full partner swap, same room sex with another couple, etc.) still may frown upon the idea of actual relationships with other partners. Most of my Mono friends believe that falling in love with someone new means falling out of love with your current partner. And for most of them, it’s probably true.

But, Poly people are different. They have the ability and desire to actually fall in love with more than one person. The introduction of a new love into one’s life does not necessarily mean the loss of another one. In fact, many Poly folk want all of their partners to know and love each other. Making it work is an issue in itself, but when it does, having more than one love in your life is immensely fulfilling.

And that’s something most Mono folk may never understand.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.