Equality in Exploration

Dear Elizabeth,

I admire your freedom and positive approach on exploring love beyond the recognized norms. My significant other and I share love, friendship, and the responsibility of children. Our situation is complex as are most. He was dating another female when we met, and continued to see her through the beginning stages of dating me and through the birth of our daughter. He was never completely honest about the goings on, and would spring things without much warning or consideration. Even though we each knew of each other, we never met face to face. Eventually the other relationship ended. The fact that I was bound by love AND responsibility while they had only the highs of love made me jealous, in connection with my not being allowed another partner make me not want to return to a situation like that. I felt alone and emotionally void in his absence with the entire weight of our shared responsibility preventing me from any alternative outlet.

He's made comments about happy men having more than one partner, like Hugh Hefner, but when I share that freedom should be equal, I get the "Absolutely Not, it's different for men." I think deep down he wants to be polyamorous or polygamous, and he won't recognize my need for intimacy if there is a void from his. I have not explored the poly lifestyle, but I'm interested in learning more without my needs being limited.

Isn't Polyamory about love being open and mutually acceptable, not one-sided? The men only having multiple partners that reflect polygamy is not worth my exploration. I have needs too!

Any advice?

Joyfully,

Exploring Poly Views


Dear Exploring,

To be in a healthy relationship of any kind, the needs of both or all partners have to be considered. It’s unfortunate when a partner wants to explore and take part in the pleasures of an alternative lifestyle, like polyamory, but isn’t able to accept the other partner doing so, as well. I know several couples who have chosen to pursue monogamy instead, as a result of this and other reasons. Sometimes that is the best solution, even if only until partners can build a foundation of trust and become open to sharing each other with additional lovers.

Do you want to explore polyamory and additional partners just to fulfill the lost intimacy for when your significant other (SO) is with another partner, or do you wish to find another partner regardless? While it might seem to make things easier to spend time with someone while your SO is dating, it’s not necessarily a good enough reason to be polyamorous. Successful polyamory requires a lot of work and commitment. And if your primary relationship is not healthy to begin with, polyamory is not the solution. However it can be a wonderful goal to work towards and incentive for making your relationship stronger.

Determine what you are and are not able to accept in your relationship with your SO. If he refuses to accept you having additional partners, yet insists on having his own; is that unacceptable to you? If so, let him know. Perhaps he’ll find that he’s willing to pursue monogamy or to try letting you date, too, once he realizes you may not be in a relationship with him otherwise.

Spending time with a poly-friendly counselor can help, as well; both in assisting you in finding the answers for yourself and in communicating your needs to your SO. If your SO is willing, try seeing a counselor together and/or have him see one on his own. He may simply have fears of losing you to another partner, and perhaps those fears can be mitigated through communication, reassurance and counseling. He may have control issues, as well. In the end, however, it will have to be his decision to change if he wants to.

In the meantime, look to see if there are any poly support groups, meetings, potlucks and/or organizations in your area. If you tell me where you live, I’ll research what is available in your area to help get you started! Get involved online in discussion groups like the Polyamory tribe on Tribe.net (I’ve gotten lovely advice on my own relationships from that particular group several times). You will likely soon find others who have been in your shoes before and can help you, giving support and encouragement. Better yet, you will discover that you are not alone.

Send questions or comments to elizabeth@polypositivity.net.