Husband Wants a European Escape

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been a happily married poly wife for more than ten years. I have a boyfriend, but my husband currently does not have anyone. He has a friend of ours with whom I am fine with him having a full-on sexual/emotional relationship with, but they have yet to get together due to the distance between them. They are planning on a trip to see each other this spring, which I’m also fine with. But they want to go to Europe and I think that is too huge of a first meeting, never mind the money. Even so, I would be supportive of this except for the fact that he wants to take her to a city that we’ve been to twice before, and I consider special to us. I have a difficult time thinking of them spending time together in a place that he and I have made such wonderful memories.

Am I being unreasonable?

--Frustrated in the Fog

Dear Frustrated in the Fog,

No you are not being unreasonable. Of course it’s not going to be easy to share a part of your life that you consider to be special to you and your husband. And as long as he is making an effort to take vacations and spend time with you, I think it’s good to support him taking a vacation of his own, with whomever he chooses.

You seem to be generally supportive of his trip, despite the expense and overseas aspect. So, I would go to your husband with this, explaining that you are thrilled he is developing this new relationship and excited for him to be taking a trip with her to Europe. Then explain that you’d really be happier if he chose a new city to explore with his girlfriend, to make their own, as you’d like to keep the city you and he shared together special to your individual relationship.

Hopefully, he’ll see the reasoning in this and will agree. However, if he is adamant about wanting to see this city again and to show it to her, perhaps you should consider just being supportive and not weighing too much into it. It may be that because this is a new relationship, he wants to go somewhere that he already has some knowledge about, so he’ll be comfortable showing her around. It may be that because the two of you had such a wonderful time together there, that he believes the locale will affect this new relationship similarly. And, reasonably enough, he may just really like this city and want to go there again, no matter who it is that is accompanying him.

In the end, if the relationship does not work out, you don’t want to be the perceived cause of it, through demands that you have made. He needs to have the freedom to develop the new relationship on his terms (generally respecting agreements you have made, of course) without heavy influence from you. Otherwise, he may end up resenting you.

Just think, now you can start planning the vacation you and your boyfriend are going to take to find a special place for the two of you…

Good luck!

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