Mono vs. Poly: Round 1

It’s not easy being Poly. It takes a lot of time, energy, love, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, and communication to make one relationship work. Adding another partner or more requires substantial quantities of the above qualities, along with multitasking, scheduling, organization, and serious dedication to making your relationships successful. And that’s not all. Unless you keep your relationship status secret, you are probably often in the position of having to explain yourself, along with the basics of polyamory.

Polyamory is easily misunderstood and frequently confused with Polygamy, the marriage of more than two people. According to Prof. Brian E. Schwimmer, from the University of Manitoba, polygamy is normatively approved in 77% of known societies. However, about 20% of known societies are strictly Monogamous (the marriage of one man to one woman). The US is one of them. In fact, it’s illegal to have more than one spouse, and, at the moment, that spouse must be of the opposite sex.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is not necessarily illegal. But discrimination against polyamory is not defended by the ACLU. If you are a woman, have a picture of your girlfriend on your desk at work, and get harassed as a result, you can sue for discrimination as a homosexual. However, if the same woman has a picture of her husband and her boyfriend on her desk, she can be fired for immorality, and have no recourse.

At first glance, a monogamously minded person may not be able to look past the fact that polyamory usually means sex with multiple partners. In most monogamous relationships, this would be cheating. Even more sex positive couples that take part in play parties and/or swinging (full partner swap, same room sex with another couple, etc.) still may frown upon the idea of actual relationships with other partners. Most of my Mono friends believe that falling in love with someone new means falling out of love with your current partner. And for most of them, it’s probably true.

But, Poly people are different. They have the ability and desire to actually fall in love with more than one person. The introduction of a new love into one’s life does not necessarily mean the loss of another one. In fact, many Poly folk want all of their partners to know and love each other. Making it work is an issue in itself, but when it does, having more than one love in your life is immensely fulfilling.

And that’s something most Mono folk may never understand.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.