Poly Didn't Kill the Cat!

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been part of an open marriage for a long time. My marriage recently ended and I feel embarrassed because it ended. I mostly feel embarrassed because I don't want people to think I don't believe in the poly idea or the open marriage. The real problem is around people who know I'm poly but aren't. How can I explain to them that it wasn't the poly that killed the cat?
– Bent but Not Broken in Bothell

Dear Not Broken,

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of divorced couples quadrupled between 1970 and 1996. Chances are good that many of your non-poly friends are either divorced or will be soon. Chances are also good that if they are your friends, they're going to be sympathetic and supportive regardless of your relationship style; that would define a true friend in my book.

If they're not friends, exactly, then let me ask you some questions in return. Do you really care why they think your relationship ended? Are these people who have given you reason to defend Polyamory already? And, if so, do you think anything you say is going to convince them otherwise?

I'm guessing that you are suffering from a barrage of emotions at the moment, following the demise of your marriage and primary relationship. Embarrassment is perfectly normal; along with sadness, anger, loneliness, regret and a whole host of related feelings.

However, please remember this: relationships end all the time, every day, every hour, and every minute. And they end for every reason you could ever think of. Whether or not your relationship style was the reason is unimportant (and it shouldn't be to anyone else, either!). What you decide to do now with your new found freedom is. Much love and luck in your journey!

Dear Elizabeth,

My husband and I have a poly relationship; he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. We also have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I really want to be open and honest with them as it becomes appropriate for them to learn that Mommy's and Daddy's "friends" are really something more. My 5-year-old is pretty savvy and already asking questions regarding who Daddy and I love, and if it's okay to have boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.

However, our biggest challenge is that they're little blabbermouths and we most definitely don't want our vanilla friends and associates to have even the vaguest hint that we're not like every other supposedly monogamous couple they know.
–Monique from Mars

Dear Monique,

When my daughter gets to be your daughter's age, I'm fairly certain all of our family and vanilla friends are going to be well aware of our situation and we are prepared for that. Our general stance is to not go out of our way to tell everyone, but definitely answer questions honestly.

Seriously, it's going to be difficult to keep your daughter from sharing. She's smart enough to know what's going on but not mature enough to understand why it might need to be kept quiet...and may end up seriously confused as to why you are unhappy when she tells someone else about it. Polyrelationships are hard enough for adults to understand and manage!

It might not be a bad idea to prepare for some very uncomfortable questions from friends and family...and just plan to come fully out into the open. I think the only other alternative is to keep your partners completely separate from your children...but, do you really want to do that?

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.