And Now We Are V
Dear Elizabeth,
I would love some advice right about now. I have been dating a gentleman about a year. Neither of us has ever wanted to force the other to be monogamous, and we have dated others; but the basis of our relationship has been between the two of us. A few months ago, a woman from his past returned and a few dates turned into a Poly relationship. She and I are getting to know each other and figuring out how to make this work; at this point we are a V relationship. I will be honest; I am having my moments understanding and wanting to make this work. The dynamics of the relationship have changed and I feel lost and confused as to my place in this relationship now. I feel like I am in a shared custody arrangement and it is stifling.
Your insight and advice would be greatly appreciated.
-M
Dear M,
I applaud your continuing efforts to make this work, regardless of the difficulties it is causing you. You are a wonderful partner and this gentleman is lucky to have such an open and loving woman in his life. There is no mistake that you are the one who is sacrificing, in order for him to spend some time with his new girlfriend. To give him the ability to love two women in his life, both as full time as he can make them, is one of the best gifts you can give him in your relationship. It is the gift of freedom, trust, understanding, and wanting him to have even more love in his life.
However, it is important that you continue to keep communication open with him and his other partner, in order to establish your schedules and ensure that you have the minimum time with him and do not feel neglected. You have needs that need to be met in your relationship, as does he and the new girlfriend, and if you all work together, it can work out beautifully. It can feel very restrictive at first, especially if you’ve never really had to schedule your time with him before…but, if you can look forward to three nights a week, or whatever, on your calendar, and know those nights belong to you and him, it should make things easier.
So set aside some time, at least once a month, where the three of you can look at your calendars together. Plan important dates and events, and then divide up the rest of the time. Be sure to leave your partner with at least one night a week to himself, as we all need some personal time. Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, as long as you make it clear that you are willing to compromise if it doesn’t work. If you don’t say what you want out loud, how will anyone know?
It will get easier. Just give it time, treasure the dates you spend with your partner, and perhaps look at developing a friendship with his other girlfriend (if you are both open to it). If you are lucky, your life will be enriched with a new friend that shares something very important in common with you: the love of your partner.
On another note, I’d like to thank you, M, for handling this as well as you are and working at your relationship. I’ve been the new girlfriend in similar situations, and I have yet to be in a relationship where the other partner was able to embrace a second love in their boyfriend/husband’s life, regardless of their open lifestyle. I encourage my husband to find girlfriends and love to welcome them into our home and life, but I realize that it is difficult for many women to do this easily, if at all. So, it makes me very happy to hear from readers like you who are willing to try. M, I raise my mocha to you!
Please send questions or comments to polypositivity@gmail.com.
I would love some advice right about now. I have been dating a gentleman about a year. Neither of us has ever wanted to force the other to be monogamous, and we have dated others; but the basis of our relationship has been between the two of us. A few months ago, a woman from his past returned and a few dates turned into a Poly relationship. She and I are getting to know each other and figuring out how to make this work; at this point we are a V relationship. I will be honest; I am having my moments understanding and wanting to make this work. The dynamics of the relationship have changed and I feel lost and confused as to my place in this relationship now. I feel like I am in a shared custody arrangement and it is stifling.
Your insight and advice would be greatly appreciated.
-M
Dear M,
I applaud your continuing efforts to make this work, regardless of the difficulties it is causing you. You are a wonderful partner and this gentleman is lucky to have such an open and loving woman in his life. There is no mistake that you are the one who is sacrificing, in order for him to spend some time with his new girlfriend. To give him the ability to love two women in his life, both as full time as he can make them, is one of the best gifts you can give him in your relationship. It is the gift of freedom, trust, understanding, and wanting him to have even more love in his life.
However, it is important that you continue to keep communication open with him and his other partner, in order to establish your schedules and ensure that you have the minimum time with him and do not feel neglected. You have needs that need to be met in your relationship, as does he and the new girlfriend, and if you all work together, it can work out beautifully. It can feel very restrictive at first, especially if you’ve never really had to schedule your time with him before…but, if you can look forward to three nights a week, or whatever, on your calendar, and know those nights belong to you and him, it should make things easier.
So set aside some time, at least once a month, where the three of you can look at your calendars together. Plan important dates and events, and then divide up the rest of the time. Be sure to leave your partner with at least one night a week to himself, as we all need some personal time. Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, as long as you make it clear that you are willing to compromise if it doesn’t work. If you don’t say what you want out loud, how will anyone know?
It will get easier. Just give it time, treasure the dates you spend with your partner, and perhaps look at developing a friendship with his other girlfriend (if you are both open to it). If you are lucky, your life will be enriched with a new friend that shares something very important in common with you: the love of your partner.
On another note, I’d like to thank you, M, for handling this as well as you are and working at your relationship. I’ve been the new girlfriend in similar situations, and I have yet to be in a relationship where the other partner was able to embrace a second love in their boyfriend/husband’s life, regardless of their open lifestyle. I encourage my husband to find girlfriends and love to welcome them into our home and life, but I realize that it is difficult for many women to do this easily, if at all. So, it makes me very happy to hear from readers like you who are willing to try. M, I raise my mocha to you!
Please send questions or comments to polypositivity@gmail.com.
posted by Ms. Scarlett at 9:08 AM
1 Comments:
I'd also like to point out that time spent with your sweetie and his other sweetie can also be considered "quality time". Just because the other woman is present, it doesn't invalidate the time you are spending with him. Try not to think of love as a zero-sum game. I heartily recommend reading http://tacit.livejournal.com/164353.html and visiting his website http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html for some wonderful insights on happiness with shared partners.
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