Ex Etiquette

In a perfect, polyamorous world, we’d only gain partners and never lose them. Unfortunately, for most, if not all, this is not the case (please write me if otherwise…I’d certainly love to hear your story). The most we can hope for is that when a relationship must end, it ends well. Even better is that we end and continue as friends.

It’s not always that easy. In fact, it’s usually one person making the decision to end the relationship and the other person having no choice in the matter; save choosing how they will respond to their partner’s decision. Emotional investments in a relationship can make letting go a very painful and almost impossible thing to do. Often, we feel the need to retaliate with words or actions we think will make our partner feel the pain they have inflicted upon us, no matter how carefully (or not) they may have ended the relationship. Nonetheless, we must accept responsibility for our behavior when a relationship ends and it helps to follow some general rules:

1. Show respect. Whatever side of the break-up you are on, it makes no difference. This is someone you deemed worthy enough to share a part of your life with. Think of two teams on a playing field when the game is over. Despite the aggression, fouls, injuries, and hurt pride…when all is said and done, they suck it in and shake hands before parting ways.

2. Be understanding. Some people can turn “it” off very quickly; while others need more time to let go. Understand if your partner needs to meet for coffee or lunch a few times and work through losing you, and give them support as a friend in whatever way you feel comfortable. Likewise, if your partner needs to move on, try to understand that they are not deliberately hurting you…that they simply need to move on. We are all different, with our own timelines and ways of healing.

3. Give back the key. And whatever else belongs to them…without them having to ask. Do it soon. Gifts are different. Don’t expect gifts back and don’t feel like you have to return something given to you during the relationship, unless you honestly need to remove it from your life to heal. And no matter how emotionally distraught you might be, don’t violate their trust by withholding items that belong to them or taking things that you’ve given as gifts.

4. Create Space. If you can’t emotionally handle being around your ex then prevent yourself from being in situations that force you to interact. If your ex is having a difficult time, then don’t do things to make it worse for them…give them space.

5. Move on. Easier said than done. But the sooner you both make the decision to move on with your lives, the easier it will be. If your ex can’t let go of you, then move on, and make it clear that you’ve moved on, but don’t rub it in. If you can’t let go of your ex and move on with your life, then find a support network to help you. Friends, family, therapists, crisis hotlines, and your doctor can help. Getting a new haircut, embracing a new hobby, and finding ways to signify this as a positive change in your life will help to move on.

In addition to having exes in our lives, we may often have partners who have exes in theirs. In the poly lifestyle, this is even more likely. Most of the rules of Ex Etiquette apply in these situations, as well.

Be respectful of your partner’s exes. They were once important enough to be in the place you are now. Understand that seeing you in that place, instead of them, can be difficult for them to deal with; and that they may never be okay with it. Create space if necessary, to give them time to adjust to it. Help them to move on by being nice and friendly; making any social interactions as comfortable as possible for them, but not forcing it upon them if they are not ready or interested.

Most importantly, give your partner the love and support s/he needs to be a good ex. After all, the time may come when YOU are their ex…