Talking Poly With Your Traditional Wife

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm happily married, but I met someone recently that I'm falling for and with whom I want to have a relationship, basically as my girlfriend. My wife, however, has a more traditional view of what marriage means. I just don't know what to do next to try to finesse this into a place where I can talk about it with her without having her flip out and thinking I don't love her, or any of a myriad reactions I can't begin to predict. Any advice?

-Confused and Worried Newbie

Dear Newbie,

I don't envy your current situation; it's a very scary thing to bring up a delicate and emotional issue with a partner, whatever closet you might be coming out of. I'm going to have to assume that you've got good reason to believe that your wife really does believe in the traditional, monogamous marriage (i.e. comments made, previous discussions, etc.) and that you are not just assuming this based on your fears. If that's the case, you'll need to take a good hard look at yourself, what you really want, and whether you are willing to risk losing your wife and marriage over adding another partner into your life.

If so, the first thing you should do is put a hold on any new relationships. Explain to your potential love interest that it's important for you to work things out with your primary first; to either open up your relationship, decide to keep it closed, or even end it, if necessary, in the interest of both partners. You don't want to open a dialogue with your wife and have to admit that you already have a girlfriend. And worse, you don't want to leave your new love heartbroken if you should discover that you're not willing to lose your wife and she wants you all to yourself. Get things straight at home, and start fresh when you know what's what.

Next, approach your wife in a place where she is comfortable and open up a discussion about polyamory. Ask her how she feels about it, if she's ever fantasized about having a relationship with another man. If she responds with fear and asks if you've fantasized about other women, admit that you have, of course, as have a lot of healthy, normal people. However, emphasize that you would never, ever act on a fantasy without her full support and knowledge. If the discussion is getting uncomfortable and awkward, move to a safer topic and let it rest for awhile. Chances are, she's going to bring it up again soon...either out of interest or fear, and you'll have another opportunity to reassure her and answer questions.

Be prepared to go very slowly, taking baby steps and let her guide the way. With plenty of love and encouragement from you, it's entirely possible to open up her mind and help her to learn to deal with jealousy and possessiveness issues. But patience is a must. I know one man that let his wife date other men for a couple of years before she was finally comfortable enough to support him dating another woman; and even then, only on double dates and with same room sex. However, he didn't want to risk the loss of his wife and mother of his children, and was grateful that she was even willing to compromise as much as she did. They are continuing to open up their relationship more and more, and I have no doubt that he will eventually be dating women on his own with the full support of his wife. She told me that though she originally never thought she could live her life this way, it was the patience and love of her husband that made her willing to try. Now she's thrilled with all the attention she gets from the other men in her life!

Finding a poly-friendly therapist is also an excellent way to work together in opening up your relationship, once you've had the initial discussion. If you are really afraid of bringing it up and worried that you'll somehow say the wrong words, I would recommend spending some time with a poly-friendly therapist on your own to begin with. They can advise and support you, and can help you decide if you should have the initial discussion with the therapist present.

The road to developing a successful polyamorous relationship can often be very rocky and is rarely easy; but the prize is living your life how you want to, and that can be worth every ounce of headaches, discussions, and tears you've put into it. And who knows, your wife might take one look at you and say "Oh, thank God! I've been wanting to tell you about this guy who realllly turns me on...but was so afraid of what you'd think!"

Good luck!

Email your questions and comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.