Polypositivity

Equality in Exploration

2006-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Elizabeth,

I admire your freedom and positive approach on exploring love beyond the recognized norms. My significant other and I share love, friendship, and the responsibility of children. Our situation is complex as are most. He was dating another female when we met, and continued to see her through the beginning stages of dating me and through the birth of our daughter. He was never completely honest about the goings on, and would spring things without much warning or consideration. Even though we each knew of each other, we never met face to face. Eventually the other relationship ended. The fact that I was bound by love AND responsibility while they had only the highs of love made me jealous, in connection with my not being allowed another partner make me not want to return to a situation like that. I felt alone and emotionally void in his absence with the entire weight of our shared responsibility preventing me from any alternative outlet.

He's made comments about happy men having more than one partner, like Hugh Hefner, but when I share that freedom should be equal, I get the "Absolutely Not, it's different for men." I think deep down he wants to be polyamorous or polygamous, and he won't recognize my need for intimacy if there is a void from his. I have not explored the poly lifestyle, but I'm interested in learning more without my needs being limited.

Isn't Polyamory about love being open and mutually acceptable, not one-sided? The men only having multiple partners that reflect polygamy is not worth my exploration. I have needs too!

Any advice?

Joyfully,

Exploring Poly Views

Dear Exploring,

To be in a healthy relationship of any kind, the needs of both or all partners have to be considered. It’s unfortunate when a partner wants to explore and take part in the pleasures of an alternative lifestyle, like polyamory, but isn’t able to accept the other partner doing so, as well. I know several couples who have chosen to pursue monogamy instead, as a result of this and other reasons. Sometimes that is the best solution, even if only until partners can build a foundation of trust and become open to sharing each other with additional lovers.

Do you want to explore polyamory and additional partners just to fulfill the lost intimacy for when your significant other (SO) is with another partner, or do you wish to find another partner regardless? While it might seem to make things easier to spend time with someone while your SO is dating, it’s not necessarily a good enough reason to be polyamorous. Successful polyamory requires a lot of work and commitment. And if your primary relationship is not healthy to begin with, polyamory is not the solution. However it can be a wonderful goal to work towards and incentive for making your relationship stronger.

Determine what you are and are not able to accept in your relationship with your SO. If he refuses to accept you having additional partners, yet insists on having his own; is that unacceptable to you? If so, let him know. Perhaps he’ll find that he’s willing to pursue monogamy or to try letting you date, too, once he realizes you may not be in a relationship with him otherwise.

Spending time with a poly-friendly counselor can help, as well; both in assisting you in finding the answers for yourself and in communicating your needs to your SO. If your SO is willing, try seeing a counselor together and/or have him see one on his own. He may simply have fears of losing you to another partner, and perhaps those fears can be mitigated through communication, reassurance and counseling. He may have control issues, as well. In the end, however, it will have to be his decision to change if he wants to.

In the meantime, look to see if there are any poly support groups, meetings, potlucks and/or organizations in your area. If you tell me where you live, I’ll research what is available in your area to help get you started! Get involved online in discussion groups like the Polyamory tribe on Tribe.net (I’ve gotten lovely advice on my own relationships from that particular group several times). You will likely soon find others who have been in your shoes before and can help you, giving support and encouragement. Better yet, you will discover that you are not alone.

Send questions or comments to elizabeth@polypositivity.net.

Polly & Marie

2006-10-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like just last month I was lamenting the lack of positive poly role models in society. Well, society may soon get a couple of new role models in the forms of Scott and Rebecca McCaw, the polyamorous couple in a new television show that is being shopped around for the small screen. The trailer (http://www.pollyandmarie.com/General/) and following blurb arrived in my inbox this morning, and I am very excited!

“Polly & Marie is a scripted half-hour dramedy revolving around the love lives of a 30 something interracial, polyamorous couple, Scott and Rebecca McCaw, who have agreed to open up their marriage to see other people, and the sexual and relationship high jinx of their fellow alternative life styled friends and neighbors: Bartholomew and Ernesto, a monogamous gay couple, one of whom, is still closeted to his family, and the frustrated, single, sexy, and celibate lipstick lesbian, Faith, who is the surrogate mother to the gay couple's son. Also featured are: Kevin, a gospel hip hop Recording Artist, who happens to be Rebecca's brother, Bell, a serial monogamist who is widow to seven husbands and may lose the eighth at any moment and Judge Eve Landers, a well-known, conservative Federal Court Judge (Rebecca's Mother).”

For more information and pictures of the cast, you can go to show’s MySpace page (http://myspace.com/pollyandmarie) and become a friend. While you are at it, sign the guest book (http://www.pollyandmarie.com/Guestbook/) to show your interest in having Polly & Marie aired on television. Better yet, tell all your friends about it and convince them to watch the trailer. It’s a delicious one minute and ten second clip that makes you want more!

The show claims to be “Sex and the City meets Will and Grace.” Considering those are two of the most popular television shows of all time (and two of my favorites!), this may be the best potential vehicle for bring polyamory to prime time television. The cast includes such hotties as Victoria Rowell as Rebecca (Young and the Restless, Dumb and Dumber), Natalie Raitano as Faith (V.I.P., Martial Law) and relative newcomer Dimitri Lekkos as Rebecca’s handsome hedonist husband, Scott.

This is one of those times when the poly community has the potential to influence mainstream entertainment and society by encouraging producers to air Polly & Marie on their networks. There has never been a show like this before. Putting Polly & Marie on TV will make polyamory a water cooler discussion around the nation and maybe, if we’re lucky, begin to bring acceptance and support to the poly community!

Send questions or comments to elizabeth@polypositivity.net.

In a Poly Perfect World...

2006-09-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

It was a little more than a year ago that I was having a conversation with Dane Ballard, the polyamorous host of Sexlife LIVE! (www.sexlifelive.org), when he commented on the lack of positive polyamorous role models in society.

I realized he was right.

Who do polyamorous folk look up to for examples on how to have a healthy and happy relationship with the multiple loves in their lives? Will Smith and Jada Pinkett admitted last year to having an open relationship that allows them to date other people, while remaining happily married to each other. (www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/24732004.htm) However, it was barely noticed in the US and few people I’ve talked to had any idea about this side of their favorite actor and his actress wife.

The majority of polyamorous relationships are kept relatively quiet. Why? Because our society generally frowns on any relationship style other than monogamy. Even monogamous gay couples are achieving socially acceptable status in many areas of the country, simply because their committed relationships mimic traditional marriages that conservatives feel comfortable with.

A huge number of people have never heard the term polyamory nor have any idea what it means. Frequently it is confused with polygamy and associated with the fundamentalist Mormon sects that force underage brides to marry older men and share them with additional wives. Or, it is thought to mean that a person simply has sex with everyone. It can be difficult to explain what polyamory really is when it is such a relatively new concept for someone and they have misguided preconceived associations to influence them.

“The only cure for ignorance is education.” – unknown

I decided it was time to do something about it and opened up to anyone and everyone about being polyamorous. I wrote about my issues and relationships in a public blog that eventually turned into a column. Answered whatever questions came my way and relished the opportunity to enlighten those who wanted more information. I came out to my mom and friends, and introduced my boyfriend to them, with my husband and daughter joining us. Those who know me now know I am polyamorous and what that means for me. I am completely open about it and my life in general.

However, it’s not enough. I want to encourage others to be more open about being polyamorous, as well. That means providing means of support: finding businesses that will publicly acknowledge their poly friendliness and encouraging polyamorous folk to reward them for this by choosing their services; providing a list of resources through poly friendly professionals (i.e. physicians, counselors, real estate agents, massage therapists, etc.) that will allow poly folk to talk openly about their lifestyle and not fear discrimination or disapproval; posting and reviewing lists of movies and books that relate to the polyamorous lifestyle, and encouraging the publishing and entertainment industries to produce more polyamorous themed material; providing links to relationship networks that include or exclusively cater to the polyamorous lifestyle; and including every piece of news, study, or related information that I can find that will help to keep the polyamorous community prepared to educate their peers and neighbors when someone asks them: “What is polyamory?”

Polypositivity.net is my strategy to achieve all this and more. A website in its infancy, open to the ideas, input and suggestions of all who want to see polyamory become a socially accepted and supported relationship style. Let’s show the world that polyamory deserves recognition and respect, and what we, the polyamorous community, and our supporters can do.

Email your questions and comments to elizabeth@polypositivity.net.

Mono vs. Poly: Round 2

2006-08-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

“Imagine You & Me” is movie out on DVD with Piper Perabo, Lena Headey and Matthew Goode. I watched it last night and liked it...but felt that polyamory would have been a good solution to their problems. A woman marries her lifelong best friend, but discovers love at first sight with the female florist who she exchanges glances with briefly as she walks up the aisle. She just can't leave her new, wonderful husband, but she's discovered that she's really in love with this other woman.

So why not stay married to him and have a serious girlfriend? Why does she have to make a choice? She said she could be satisfied with being married to him for life, but longed to embrace the passion she had discovered with the beautiful Luce. Why not both? Why can't more people in this situation look to polyamory as an option instead of just torturing themselves and those they love by having to choose one or the other?

ACKKKKK!!!

Seriously, I can’t count the number of times I’ve watched a movie and thought, “If only they were poly, life might be so much easier.” What if you didn’t have to feel the need to lie to your partner about having sex and/or relationships with someone else, because it would be okay? What if you didn’t have to divorce your husband because, no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t stop sleeping with other women…and you can just be happy for him because sex feels good and he’s getting a lot of it?

What if Guinevere and Lancelot could have had their passionate love affair with the full knowledge and support of the king and the people? Perhaps Camelot would have survived. If Scarlett could have had a week away with Ashley, and Rhett would have been understanding of it? Maybe “Gone with the Wind” would have had a happier ending than “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Thank goodness for “Scarlett,” the sequel!)

Think of all the pain and hard choices that could be avoided if only polyamory were considered a more viable option in society. What if you could promise “Until death do us part…” at your wedding, knowing that you can spend the rest of your life loving this partner, as well as anyone else you might fall for along the way?

To me, monogamy just seems so challenging…though the majority of Americans choose it, or at least, attempt it. How can one deny the opportunity for additional love? How can one divorce a spouse they care about just because someone new steps into the picture? How can one promise that they will never fall in love with another person, if they’ve not met all the people in the world yet?

Why does the monogamous heart only have room for one true love?

As a good friend said, paraphrasing Jessica Rabbit, “They can’t help it, they’re drawn that way.”

So many people question polyamory and polygamy. I question monogamy.

Send questions and/or comments to Polypositivity@gmail.com.

Ex Etiquette

2006-07-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

In a perfect, polyamorous world, we’d only gain partners and never lose them. Unfortunately, for most, if not all, this is not the case (please write me if otherwise…I’d certainly love to hear your story). The most we can hope for is that when a relationship must end, it ends well. Even better is that we end and continue as friends.

It’s not always that easy. In fact, it’s usually one person making the decision to end the relationship and the other person having no choice in the matter; save choosing how they will respond to their partner’s decision. Emotional investments in a relationship can make letting go a very painful and almost impossible thing to do. Often, we feel the need to retaliate with words or actions we think will make our partner feel the pain they have inflicted upon us, no matter how carefully (or not) they may have ended the relationship. Nonetheless, we must accept responsibility for our behavior when a relationship ends and it helps to follow some general rules:

1. Show respect. Whatever side of the break-up you are on, it makes no difference. This is someone you deemed worthy enough to share a part of your life with. Think of two teams on a playing field when the game is over. Despite the aggression, fouls, injuries, and hurt pride…when all is said and done, they suck it in and shake hands before parting ways.

2. Be understanding. Some people can turn “it” off very quickly; while others need more time to let go. Understand if your partner needs to meet for coffee or lunch a few times and work through losing you, and give them support as a friend in whatever way you feel comfortable. Likewise, if your partner needs to move on, try to understand that they are not deliberately hurting you…that they simply need to move on. We are all different, with our own timelines and ways of healing.

3. Give back the key. And whatever else belongs to them…without them having to ask. Do it soon. Gifts are different. Don’t expect gifts back and don’t feel like you have to return something given to you during the relationship, unless you honestly need to remove it from your life to heal. And no matter how emotionally distraught you might be, don’t violate their trust by withholding items that belong to them or taking things that you’ve given as gifts.

4. Create Space. If you can’t emotionally handle being around your ex then prevent yourself from being in situations that force you to interact. If your ex is having a difficult time, then don’t do things to make it worse for them…give them space.

5. Move on. Easier said than done. But the sooner you both make the decision to move on with your lives, the easier it will be. If your ex can’t let go of you, then move on, and make it clear that you’ve moved on, but don’t rub it in. If you can’t let go of your ex and move on with your life, then find a support network to help you. Friends, family, therapists, crisis hotlines, and your doctor can help. Getting a new haircut, embracing a new hobby, and finding ways to signify this as a positive change in your life will help to move on.

In addition to having exes in our lives, we may often have partners who have exes in theirs. In the poly lifestyle, this is even more likely. Most of the rules of Ex Etiquette apply in these situations, as well.

Be respectful of your partner’s exes. They were once important enough to be in the place you are now. Understand that seeing you in that place, instead of them, can be difficult for them to deal with; and that they may never be okay with it. Create space if necessary, to give them time to adjust to it. Help them to move on by being nice and friendly; making any social interactions as comfortable as possible for them, but not forcing it upon them if they are not ready or interested.

Most importantly, give your partner the love and support s/he needs to be a good ex. After all, the time may come when YOU are their ex…

Safe Sex & the Polyamour

2006-05-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

Let’s talk about sex. It’s a wonderful, amazing, fascinating topic, and a part of human nature; in fact, sustaining our very existence as a species on this planet through procreation. But more importantly, it’s just a whole lot of fun! One of the benefits of being polyamorous is that by having loving relationships with multiple people, one generally gets to have sex with multiple people, as well.

However, once again, multiple partners mean more complications and potential problems, in addition to the added pleasures. Responsibility is a must. As with any sexual relationship, simple precautions and communication are necessary.

Every year, more than 12 million cases of STDs [Sexually Transmitted Diseases] are reported in the US (coolnurse.com). AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome), Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Hepatitis, and Syphilis are just some of the STDs that are common. Some are curable, some are not, and some (if untreated) can lead to an early death. But, almost all are preventable by either abstinence or the consistent use of latex condoms.

The more sexual partners you have in your lifetime, the more likely you are to contract an STD. It’s that simple. By engaging in sex with multiple partners who also have multiple partners, you are expanding your risks exponentially.

The short answer is to always use a condom. Whether it’s a one night stand or someone you see on a regular basis, wearing protection will help keep anything from transferring from one to the other.

A condom, however, will only help with vaginal and anal sex, and oral sex on a man. For protection when giving oral sex to a woman, the use of a dental dam will offer the same protection. HSV-1 (Oral Herpes) can be transmitted through vaginal and anal oral sex. And HSV-1 or HSV-2 (Genital Herpes) is still transferable when there are no outbreaks.

Even if you always wear protection, get tested for everything on a regular basis. And if you have any unusual symptoms, such as burning, itching, smelly discharge, etc., then call your doctor right away. No STD should go untreated.

Fluid bonding is the practice of making some sort of commitment to a partner and engaging in unprotected sex. Many primary and married couples are fluid bonded and wear protection with all outside parties. Different arrangements can be made within groups, but communication is a must. If you choose to have unprotected sex with more than one person, they all need to be aware of this beforehand. Regular testing is especially important with multiple unprotected partners, because the likelihood of contracting an STD will increase dramatically, even if all partners are using protection with outside individuals.

Sit down with your partners on a regular basis and talk about what measures you and they are taking to prevent STDs. Keep protection, testing and results a topic of open discussion. Get vaccinated for Hepatitis. Get educated on the preliminary symptoms of the various STDs, and see your doctor at the first sign of anything.

If a new partner shares with you that they have an STD, please be kind. It can’t be easy to admit that they have a disease of any kind; especially one that was most likely contracted through sex with another person, and could potentially be contracted to you. It’s just another way to be rejected by a potential mate, and special consideration needs to be made. Above all, realize that this is probably a very difficult subject for them to discuss and let them know how grateful you are that they shared. If you choose not to have sex, that is a decision that your partner will have to understand…but tread gently.

If you already have an STD, then be sure to have that conversation with a new partner long before sex and/or potentially risky sexual play happens. Come to the discussion prepared with information to educate your new partner, answer any questions they may have, and be understanding if they are unable to deal with it, or need time to make a decision as to whether or not to engage in sexual activity with you.

But don’t be afraid to share. If someone loves you and wants to be in your life, chances are, they will be willing to work around an STD. If not, then it’s better that you don’t have a relationship built on false pretenses. Being open, honest and in communication with all your partners is necessary to having happy, healthy relationships.

And Now We Are V

2006-04-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Elizabeth,

I would love some advice right about now. I have been dating a gentleman about a year. Neither of us has ever wanted to force the other to be monogamous, and we have dated others; but the basis of our relationship has been between the two of us. A few months ago, a woman from his past returned and a few dates turned into a Poly relationship. She and I are getting to know each other and figuring out how to make this work; at this point we are a V relationship. I will be honest; I am having my moments understanding and wanting to make this work. The dynamics of the relationship have changed and I feel lost and confused as to my place in this relationship now. I feel like I am in a shared custody arrangement and it is stifling.

Your insight and advice would be greatly appreciated.

-M

Dear M,

I applaud your continuing efforts to make this work, regardless of the difficulties it is causing you. You are a wonderful partner and this gentleman is lucky to have such an open and loving woman in his life. There is no mistake that you are the one who is sacrificing, in order for him to spend some time with his new girlfriend. To give him the ability to love two women in his life, both as full time as he can make them, is one of the best gifts you can give him in your relationship. It is the gift of freedom, trust, understanding, and wanting him to have even more love in his life.

However, it is important that you continue to keep communication open with him and his other partner, in order to establish your schedules and ensure that you have the minimum time with him and do not feel neglected. You have needs that need to be met in your relationship, as does he and the new girlfriend, and if you all work together, it can work out beautifully. It can feel very restrictive at first, especially if you’ve never really had to schedule your time with him before…but, if you can look forward to three nights a week, or whatever, on your calendar, and know those nights belong to you and him, it should make things easier.

So set aside some time, at least once a month, where the three of you can look at your calendars together. Plan important dates and events, and then divide up the rest of the time. Be sure to leave your partner with at least one night a week to himself, as we all need some personal time. Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want, as long as you make it clear that you are willing to compromise if it doesn’t work. If you don’t say what you want out loud, how will anyone know?

It will get easier. Just give it time, treasure the dates you spend with your partner, and perhaps look at developing a friendship with his other girlfriend (if you are both open to it). If you are lucky, your life will be enriched with a new friend that shares something very important in common with you: the love of your partner.

On another note, I’d like to thank you, M, for handling this as well as you are and working at your relationship. I’ve been the new girlfriend in similar situations, and I have yet to be in a relationship where the other partner was able to embrace a second love in their boyfriend/husband’s life, regardless of their open lifestyle. I encourage my husband to find girlfriends and love to welcome them into our home and life, but I realize that it is difficult for many women to do this easily, if at all. So, it makes me very happy to hear from readers like you who are willing to try. M, I raise my mocha to you!

Please send questions or comments to polypositivity@gmail.com.

Mono vs. Poly: Round 1

2006-04-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

It’s not easy being Poly. It takes a lot of time, energy, love, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, and communication to make one relationship work. Adding another partner or more requires substantial quantities of the above qualities, along with multitasking, scheduling, organization, and serious dedication to making your relationships successful. And that’s not all. Unless you keep your relationship status secret, you are probably often in the position of having to explain yourself, along with the basics of polyamory.

Polyamory is easily misunderstood and frequently confused with Polygamy, the marriage of more than two people. According to Prof. Brian E. Schwimmer, from the University of Manitoba, polygamy is normatively approved in 77% of known societies. However, about 20% of known societies are strictly Monogamous (the marriage of one man to one woman). The US is one of them. In fact, it’s illegal to have more than one spouse, and, at the moment, that spouse must be of the opposite sex.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is not necessarily illegal. But discrimination against polyamory is not defended by the ACLU. If you are a woman, have a picture of your girlfriend on your desk at work, and get harassed as a result, you can sue for discrimination as a homosexual. However, if the same woman has a picture of her husband and her boyfriend on her desk, she can be fired for immorality, and have no recourse.

At first glance, a monogamously minded person may not be able to look past the fact that polyamory usually means sex with multiple partners. In most monogamous relationships, this would be cheating. Even more sex positive couples that take part in play parties and/or swinging (full partner swap, same room sex with another couple, etc.) still may frown upon the idea of actual relationships with other partners. Most of my Mono friends believe that falling in love with someone new means falling out of love with your current partner. And for most of them, it’s probably true.

But, Poly people are different. They have the ability and desire to actually fall in love with more than one person. The introduction of a new love into one’s life does not necessarily mean the loss of another one. In fact, many Poly folk want all of their partners to know and love each other. Making it work is an issue in itself, but when it does, having more than one love in your life is immensely fulfilling.

And that’s something most Mono folk may never understand.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.

“Dear Mom, I’m Polyamorous…”

2006-02-25T19:16:00.000-08:00

I’m not one to keep my life private. I share everything and rarely hesitate to answer even the most personal questions, whether my mom or someone I’ve just met is asking. My husband, however, is opposite. There are many pros and cons to either side; his is obviously “safer” whereas mine puts my life out there for any and everyone to judge. Out of respect for his preference, I agreed when we married to keep our open relationship from our family and straight friends.

At the time, it wasn’t such a big deal. We were just beginning to explore what it meant to have the stability of marriage and the freedom of being single, all at the same time. We dated others as we pleased…which was, for me, the occasional first date and rare connection. Mostly, I ended up accompanying my husband and girlfriends out on dates, because frankly, I like to play with girls; and I wasn’t finding any men I wanted to have a relationship with.

Then, one day, I did; and he eventually became my boyfriend. I was bursting to tell my mother about this man I was madly in love with…how happy I was that he and my husband got along well and respected each other. There were a hundred little things that had absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with how much I adored him…and it made me sad to realize that I was keeping him in hiding, like some dirty little secret.

So, my husband and I discussed it. Our daughter is being raised knowing full well that we have boyfriends and girlfriends, and she has dinner with them when they come to visit. It is only a matter of time before she mentions “Mommy’s boyfriend” to her grandmother, my mom. I’ll not put my daughter in the position, ever, to have to hide anything from the world. My husband agreed to support me in coming out to everyone, though I’m still not in any hurry and will discuss it with those I want to when I feel ready.

I spent several hours drafting a long letter to my mom. It included the reasons why we have an open relationship, why I am polyamorous, and that our marriage is stronger, in fact, because of the freedom and support we give each other. I explained why I wanted to tell her, about our daughter knowing our partners, and how much I wanted my mother to know them, too. I included pictures and a little background about the people I am dating, how proud I was to know and love them, and that I looked forward to her meeting them when she visits again. And I attached some of my Polypositivity columns, particularly the one where I define what polyamory means for me.

Finally satisfied, I emailed the letter to her and waited. She responded short after that it was a lot to think about, but that nothing would ever change her love for me…and that she would take some time before getting back to me with her response. I was relieved and thrilled that she was at least going to accept me, regardless of whether she supported my being poly.

It turned out, in the end, that she didn’t support it. Not really. She wrote me an equally long letter explaining her thoughts and concerns, many of them related to her religious beliefs. But she did say she would love to meet my “friends” and that she would support how important they are in my life. She promised that she would never try to change us, or negatively influence our daughter because of the lifestyle we choose to lead. And this was all I needed to know; along with that she knows who I really am and loves me anyway. In fact, she’s quite proud of my column…but, “It would be nice if you were writing about something I could share with the whole family.”

Not to worry, Mom, I’ll be sharing it with them soon enough…;-)

Email questions or comments to elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.

Husband Wants a European Escape

2006-01-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been a happily married poly wife for more than ten years. I have a boyfriend, but my husband currently does not have anyone. He has a friend of ours with whom I am fine with him having a full-on sexual/emotional relationship with, but they have yet to get together due to the distance between them. They are planning on a trip to see each other this spring, which I’m also fine with. But they want to go to Europe and I think that is too huge of a first meeting, never mind the money. Even so, I would be supportive of this except for the fact that he wants to take her to a city that we’ve been to twice before, and I consider special to us. I have a difficult time thinking of them spending time together in a place that he and I have made such wonderful memories.

Am I being unreasonable?

--Frustrated in the Fog

Dear Frustrated in the Fog,

No you are not being unreasonable. Of course it’s not going to be easy to share a part of your life that you consider to be special to you and your husband. And as long as he is making an effort to take vacations and spend time with you, I think it’s good to support him taking a vacation of his own, with whomever he chooses.

You seem to be generally supportive of his trip, despite the expense and overseas aspect. So, I would go to your husband with this, explaining that you are thrilled he is developing this new relationship and excited for him to be taking a trip with her to Europe. Then explain that you’d really be happier if he chose a new city to explore with his girlfriend, to make their own, as you’d like to keep the city you and he shared together special to your individual relationship.

Hopefully, he’ll see the reasoning in this and will agree. However, if he is adamant about wanting to see this city again and to show it to her, perhaps you should consider just being supportive and not weighing too much into it. It may be that because this is a new relationship, he wants to go somewhere that he already has some knowledge about, so he’ll be comfortable showing her around. It may be that because the two of you had such a wonderful time together there, that he believes the locale will affect this new relationship similarly. And, reasonably enough, he may just really like this city and want to go there again, no matter who it is that is accompanying him.

In the end, if the relationship does not work out, you don’t want to be the perceived cause of it, through demands that you have made. He needs to have the freedom to develop the new relationship on his terms (generally respecting agreements you have made, of course) without heavy influence from you. Otherwise, he may end up resenting you.

Just think, now you can start planning the vacation you and your boyfriend are going to take to find a special place for the two of you…

Good luck!

Send your questions and comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org

Talking Poly With Your Traditional Wife

2006-01-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm happily married, but I met someone recently that I'm falling for and with whom I want to have a relationship, basically as my girlfriend. My wife, however, has a more traditional view of what marriage means. I just don't know what to do next to try to finesse this into a place where I can talk about it with her without having her flip out and thinking I don't love her, or any of a myriad reactions I can't begin to predict. Any advice?

-Confused and Worried Newbie

Dear Newbie,

I don't envy your current situation; it's a very scary thing to bring up a delicate and emotional issue with a partner, whatever closet you might be coming out of. I'm going to have to assume that you've got good reason to believe that your wife really does believe in the traditional, monogamous marriage (i.e. comments made, previous discussions, etc.) and that you are not just assuming this based on your fears. If that's the case, you'll need to take a good hard look at yourself, what you really want, and whether you are willing to risk losing your wife and marriage over adding another partner into your life.

If so, the first thing you should do is put a hold on any new relationships. Explain to your potential love interest that it's important for you to work things out with your primary first; to either open up your relationship, decide to keep it closed, or even end it, if necessary, in the interest of both partners. You don't want to open a dialogue with your wife and have to admit that you already have a girlfriend. And worse, you don't want to leave your new love heartbroken if you should discover that you're not willing to lose your wife and she wants you all to yourself. Get things straight at home, and start fresh when you know what's what.

Next, approach your wife in a place where she is comfortable and open up a discussion about polyamory. Ask her how she feels about it, if she's ever fantasized about having a relationship with another man. If she responds with fear and asks if you've fantasized about other women, admit that you have, of course, as have a lot of healthy, normal people. However, emphasize that you would never, ever act on a fantasy without her full support and knowledge. If the discussion is getting uncomfortable and awkward, move to a safer topic and let it rest for awhile. Chances are, she's going to bring it up again soon...either out of interest or fear, and you'll have another opportunity to reassure her and answer questions.

Be prepared to go very slowly, taking baby steps and let her guide the way. With plenty of love and encouragement from you, it's entirely possible to open up her mind and help her to learn to deal with jealousy and possessiveness issues. But patience is a must. I know one man that let his wife date other men for a couple of years before she was finally comfortable enough to support him dating another woman; and even then, only on double dates and with same room sex. However, he didn't want to risk the loss of his wife and mother of his children, and was grateful that she was even willing to compromise as much as she did. They are continuing to open up their relationship more and more, and I have no doubt that he will eventually be dating women on his own with the full support of his wife. She told me that though she originally never thought she could live her life this way, it was the patience and love of her husband that made her willing to try. Now she's thrilled with all the attention she gets from the other men in her life!

Finding a poly-friendly therapist is also an excellent way to work together in opening up your relationship, once you've had the initial discussion. If you are really afraid of bringing it up and worried that you'll somehow say the wrong words, I would recommend spending some time with a poly-friendly therapist on your own to begin with. They can advise and support you, and can help you decide if you should have the initial discussion with the therapist present.

The road to developing a successful polyamorous relationship can often be very rocky and is rarely easy; but the prize is living your life how you want to, and that can be worth every ounce of headaches, discussions, and tears you've put into it. And who knows, your wife might take one look at you and say "Oh, thank God! I've been wanting to tell you about this guy who realllly turns me on...but was so afraid of what you'd think!"

Good luck!

Email your questions and comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.

Ho Ho Holidays...

2005-12-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

The holidays are a time of great joy...we reflect on the current year and past holidays spent with family and friends, and look forward to the new year we are about to embark on. It can also be a time of great stress, dealing with families, spending too much money, and not having enough time to get everything done.

Now add polyamory to the mix. These problems just expanded exponentially. You've got to decide which of your partners you're going to spend which days with and how to keep everybody happy. If you're really lucky, you all are one big happy family and can share the holidays together. However, most of us aren't that lucky.

So, what to do? As with every other major or minor issue in a relationship, communication is very important. Sit down with your loved ones and talk about what is going to happen over the holidays. Let them know what you'd like and then find out what they want, as well. Chances are, you will find a happy compromise.

For example, this year, I spent the night before Thanksgiving out with my boyfriend, and stayed over at his house. I came home early in the morning to be with my husband and daughter and start the turkey dinner. My girlfriend (and another woman I love dearly) came to spend Thanksgiving day and night with us. My boyfriend came to spend part of the day with us and then left to spend a second Thanksgiving and the remainder of the weekend with his other girlfriend, who has no other partner.

This worked out very well and I felt fulfilled getting to spend adequate time with each of my loved ones, and they with theirs. We planned and talked about this ahead of time, and knew exactly what to expect. This was made easier by the lack of expectations from our extended families, though this will most likely vary from year to year.

In addition to communication, in general, it is very important to distinguish the difference between what it is that you want and need from your partner(s) over the holidays, and to let them know. I don't need to see my boyfriend on Christmas eve or day, but he knows that I'd love to see him for some time together short before or after Christmas. My husband has made it clear that he really wants to spend New Year's Eve with me, and so I've made that a priority. Two days before that, I'll accompany my girlfriend to her company's holiday party. I'm tentatively scheduled to spend the night before New Year's with my boyfriend, though he knows we can move this date by a couple of days and I'll still be happy.

Everybody's needs are being met, because they've been clearly communicated. It's not easy; in fact, sometimes it is every bit as complicated as it sounds. Some of us have been hurt due to miscommunications; however, they were great learning experiences on how to avoid similar mistakes in the future. The longer we spend together, the easier it gets and the more rewarding it is to spend time with the ones we love.

The best gift you can give your partner(s) over the holiday season is this: be understanding, forgiving, loving and open to compromise. And try not to get fixated on spending the actual date with them if it's going to make things difficult. Do you really want to put your partners in a position to have to choose between the ones they love? Spending January 2nd, or any other day, with my boyfriend is every bit as wonderful as if I had him all to myself on December 31st...because every day I spend with my loved ones is a celebration!

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org

Defining Polyamory

2005-11-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

Ask polyamorous people to define polyamory and you are likely to get a distinctly different definition from each of them. That's because we're generally a diverse and open minded group of people, so why would we conform to any standards? We all have our own perspective, or view of what polyamory is, based on our personal desires and individual situations. Many of us are in dynamic relationships, the factors constantly changing; especially as we make mistakes and learn, growing in our experiences, discovering more and more about what we truly desire in our partners.

So what is polyamory, exactly? I define it as the ability to love multiple people. Anybody can have sex with multiple people and we have plenty of terms for that: polyfuckery, playing the field, swinging, etc. Many polyamorous people are also swingers or into casual sex. However, to be truly polyamorous, you have to be desirous and capable of having multiple loving relationships. Poly = multi. Amour = love.

I am polyamorous. I've been this way for much longer than I knew the term that defined me. I adore love; everything about it, in fact. I love falling in love: the feelings stirring within my breast, the butterflies in my stomach, the shivers that run up my spine with every touch, and that oh so wonderful first kiss. I love being in love: lying in my lover's arms, cuddling together, talking late into the night, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. Why oh why, would I ever want this to only happen once in my lifetime? Or to have to wait for the tragic end of a relationship to discover love all over again with someone new?

No! I want to fall in love whenever I can; have love in my life at all times. How often are we blessed to find someone that moves us in the way that we need, that we crave, and madly desire? Why limit ourselves to only one? I love my husband; he is my rock, my heart and we will be together as partners, raising our daughter, managing our home, and living our lives. We do not, however, fulfill each other's every need and desire, nor do we expect that of each other.

No one person can be everything for another. The expectation of such puts entirely too much pressure on someone and they will inevitably fail in the effort, if they even endeavor to try in the first place. Polyamory allows us to find what we need in multiple relationships. Sometimes it's not even different things, but more of the same. More attention, more love, more intimacy than one person can give you. Sometimes it's just the pure delight of spending time with someone that you don't talk to about bills and the kids.

I love the security and stability of waking up next to my adorable husband everyday, hearing the pitter pat of my daughter's feet running down the hallway. I'm equally in love with the laziness of waking up next to my lovely boyfriend on occasion, knowing I've got no responsibilities for the morning; can simply indulge in the comfort of his arms and getting covered in kisses. And still, there is my beautiful girlfriend; we giggle together, hold hands and talk late into the night...mostly about the boys in our lives, but we don't hesitate to kiss and cuddle while we do so, taking comfort in each other's embrace.

Do I prefer one over the others? At times, of course I do. Sometimes the stresses that come with everyday life make me want to escape and pretend that I'm no one's wife and mother, and being out on the town with someone other than my husband allows me to do just that. At other times, I love nothing more than to wrap myself in my little family, baking cookies with my daughter playing at my feet, or reading in bed next to my husband. At the moment, my boyfriend is who I daydream about...

The point is, polyamory allows me to be exactly who I want to be, by giving me the ability to live out all of my desires in multiple relationships. My heart is constantly open to love, only limited by time and desire. I have a husband, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. I am a wife, mother, lover, mistress, girlfriend, partner, and sex kitten. I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am polyamorous.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org

Poly Didn't Kill the Cat!

2005-11-30T15:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been part of an open marriage for a long time. My marriage recently ended and I feel embarrassed because it ended. I mostly feel embarrassed because I don't want people to think I don't believe in the poly idea or the open marriage. The real problem is around people who know I'm poly but aren't. How can I explain to them that it wasn't the poly that killed the cat?
– Bent but Not Broken in Bothell

Dear Not Broken,

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of divorced couples quadrupled between 1970 and 1996. Chances are good that many of your non-poly friends are either divorced or will be soon. Chances are also good that if they are your friends, they're going to be sympathetic and supportive regardless of your relationship style; that would define a true friend in my book.

If they're not friends, exactly, then let me ask you some questions in return. Do you really care why they think your relationship ended? Are these people who have given you reason to defend Polyamory already? And, if so, do you think anything you say is going to convince them otherwise?

I'm guessing that you are suffering from a barrage of emotions at the moment, following the demise of your marriage and primary relationship. Embarrassment is perfectly normal; along with sadness, anger, loneliness, regret and a whole host of related feelings.

However, please remember this: relationships end all the time, every day, every hour, and every minute. And they end for every reason you could ever think of. Whether or not your relationship style was the reason is unimportant (and it shouldn't be to anyone else, either!). What you decide to do now with your new found freedom is. Much love and luck in your journey!

Dear Elizabeth,

My husband and I have a poly relationship; he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. We also have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I really want to be open and honest with them as it becomes appropriate for them to learn that Mommy's and Daddy's "friends" are really something more. My 5-year-old is pretty savvy and already asking questions regarding who Daddy and I love, and if it's okay to have boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.

However, our biggest challenge is that they're little blabbermouths and we most definitely don't want our vanilla friends and associates to have even the vaguest hint that we're not like every other supposedly monogamous couple they know.
–Monique from Mars

Dear Monique,

When my daughter gets to be your daughter's age, I'm fairly certain all of our family and vanilla friends are going to be well aware of our situation and we are prepared for that. Our general stance is to not go out of our way to tell everyone, but definitely answer questions honestly.

Seriously, it's going to be difficult to keep your daughter from sharing. She's smart enough to know what's going on but not mature enough to understand why it might need to be kept quiet...and may end up seriously confused as to why you are unhappy when she tells someone else about it. Polyrelationships are hard enough for adults to understand and manage!

It might not be a bad idea to prepare for some very uncomfortable questions from friends and family...and just plan to come fully out into the open. I think the only other alternative is to keep your partners completely separate from your children...but, do you really want to do that?

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org.

Girlfriend Causes Sleepless Nights

2005-11-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Elizabeth,

When my husband has his girlfriend over for the night, I sleep in another room to give them privacy. However, even when I do not hear the noises from their lovemaking, I find myself lying awake, wondering what is happening in there. As a result, I don't get much sleep when she's over. What should I do?
--Sleepless in West Seattle

Dear Sleepless,

Why are you wondering what is happening in there? Do you want to be involved? Would you like to watch? These are valid desires, and perhaps you should talk to your husband about them. On the other hand, if her being there with him is just a distraction that interferes with your sleep pattern, there are a number of solutions. One might be to have him stay over at her place instead, if feasible. You might also consider allowing yourself to keep the main bed and send them to the extra bedroom. Getting a good night's sleep out of your normal comfort zone can be a challenge for anyone. The most important thing is to discuss this with your husband and come up with a solution that works for you both.

Dear Elizabeth,

My wife only climaxes when our girlfriend goes down on her. Before we met our girlfriend, I had no problem bringing my wife to orgasm...but now, it doesn't matter what I do; only our girlfriend can make her cum. I don't want to admit to her how inadequate this is making me feel; but it's starting to affect my performance in other ways, too.
--Inadequate in Issaquah

Dear Issaquah (I refuse to call you "Inadequate"),

We all go through phases where different things do it for us. It seems that at the moment, your girlfriend is managing to please your wife exceptionally well. Isn't this wonderful? But then, I can understand your frustration. I had a boyfriend that didn't climax...ever. At first, it was amazing...hours upon hours of sex, orgasm after orgasm (mine) and still he didn't have need to stop. But after awhile, hell, it was just annoying. I wanted to feel the satisfaction of making him lose control...and I finally told him so. He confided in me the one thing that did cause him to climax...and thus, I found the key to making us both happy.

Get down with your girlfriend between your wife's legs and find out what she's doing that drives her so crazy. And then practice, with the both of them coaching you. Don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen at first...there's a chance that it's actually just the thrill of your girlfriend being involved that is rubbing your wife the right way...and that's likely to wear off before too long.

Email your questions or comments to Elizabeth@sexlifelive.org